Discouragement… and other demons.

The status on my facebook profile says:

“Laura is refusing to be discouraged… which isn’t hard as she is deeply excited and positive that all if this is going to work.”

Its been there for a while now and I’m using it as a sort of a mantra these days.ย  Its necessary as I’m having moments of ‘ohmygodwhathaveidone’ throughout the day and avoiding them is taking conscience effort.

When I found myself unemployed at the end of last October my main though was get out of London, go back to Dublin. Since then my life really has been a blur. I spent two intensive/fantastic weeks in Glastonbury, learning all I could from Carolena and Megha, making friends with some beautiful dancing ladies and letting my Witchy self tingle with pleasure and delight at the experience of magical Glastonbury!

Then it was back to London and bang! back to reality. I had a week to pack up my life. I went into a recycling/donating frenzy and downsized alot (but not enough!).ย  I didn’t have a chance to say a proper good-bye to everyone in London so I left with promises of going back when I was settled and having a proper going-away party. I had no set plan of what I was going to do when I arrived back in Dublin. I had a place to stay for a couple of weeks and Mark was going to be there – he’s been my rock through all of this.

I was keeping myself calm, not getting wound up with the little details. If something was out of my hands then I let it go and accepted it – not my normal semi-control freak pattern. And by letting it go, alot of things fell into place and despite my stressing things did work out. I have a job for the next couple of months, Mark and I have a place, I’m making my share of the rent, just, all the little bits of red tape involved in moving country are getting sorted and filed one by one.

Why then, am I sitting here, writing this blog, with a big lump in my throat? I have been like this for a while now, feeling like I have a sea of uncried tears to shed and they are building up, making my throat hurt and my eyes red?

But I’m not crying, I’m sweating the decisions I have made.

And yes…. I am pre-menstrual ๐Ÿ™‚ but there is more to it.

I love Mark, there is no doubting that, and I consider myself lucky to have him and as far as that is concerned it’s a no-brainer. I made the right decision to be with him. He asked me the question a few days ago – ‘Do you miss London?’ and I answered him honestly – ‘Yes.’

Of course I miss London. I had a fantastic time there! But when it was time to go it was time to go. London was never a long-term plan.

So maybe the focus should not be on leaving London, but returning to Dublin, and my expectations of what I would find. The Dublin I have returned to is not the one I left 4 years ago. The changes are small, some may not even register beyond my own perception.ย  But they are there and the task of re-familiarising myself with a city I used to call home, to the extent that I am actually having to, is not something I was prepared for.

I have alot of thoughts and ponderings over the plans I have for a dance class and the performance opportunities there are for me here in Dublin and the rest ofย  Ireland. I still have a London mind-set and I need to re-adjust.

Discouragement from outside sources notwithstanding – I have my own demons to face.ย  Argh.

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7 Responses to “Discouragement… and other demons.”

  1. Claire Says:

    I think once the initial hoo-haa of a situation dies down there is always a grieving/ panicking period. The focus of merely surviving it goes and the reality of accepting your life has changed in a big way (bad or good) settles in.
    My reiki therapist said to lay back and let the stream take you where you are meant to go. Just because you don’t know the ultimate destination, it does not mean you won’t be safe when you arrive.
    xx

  2. elizabeth Says:

    Oh! Laura! Ritualise this time. Have a wake/mourn/celebration at the transition that has happened. Do something like have a bonfire…burn some more of that stuff that you dont want. Take ignatia and give the past a beautiful place in your mind and body, somewhere it can be recalled from when needed but make the space for all that is to come. It did all happen in a flash but its fantastic and bursting with opportunities.

  3. Ailish Says:

    Hi Laura,
    I feel your pain. When I returned from 5 years in the States, I found “home” a cold place for a person of enthusiasm and creative energy. It took me over 2 years to settle into accepting that I’d returned and, come to think, it was meeting Mark that made me think: I’ll persist. This can get better. And it did in wonderful, unimagined ways.

    Cast aside cliches about jumping into the same river twice: Dublin isn’t the Dublin you left nor are you the same person who left (and left me with that nice lemon geranium which, despite me, still lives on). So what kind of life does this person-whose-returned want? Make it. It won’t be what you left, it won’t be London, it won’t be what you expect you want right now. What do you need, what do you want and what can you learn? I’ll be cheerleading from a reclining position for the next while ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Mark Says:

    It will work out, you’ll see. I’m happy to be your, erm, no-brainer ๐Ÿ™‚

    M xx

  5. lauramaeve Says:

    I was aware when I started this that I was taking a step forward in….. surrendering I suppose. Changing the way I approached a situation and letting the events happen without me trying to control them. I’ve known for a long time that I couldn’t let things go along the same vein they were – I wasn’t being true to myself. When you take a path like that you have to expect some rough going on the way – no matter how excited you are about the changes and possibilities ahead.

    Claire, Elizabeth thank you both for reminding me that I do have the tools and experience to get myself over these rough bits – I just need to be reminded now and again! xxxx

  6. lauramaeve Says:

    Ailish,

    *HUG*

    Thanks for sharing that with me. The concept of recliner cheerleading is making me giggle – do you think you could run a workshop on that? ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

  7. lauramaeve Says:

    Mark,

    Babe… you can be my no-brainer Bear anytime. I love you. X

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